Expert Contribution

How to Let Go of Past Grievances

Are you one of those people that is stuck in the memory of a past event, or series of events that you can’t let go of? A dismissive, detached, or anxious parental upbringing perhaps? A ‘failed’ marriage? The loss of a close family member? A long-term relationship ending? An affair? Trauma? 

At some point in your life, you have likely found yourself ruminating on the past. Maybe you have even experienced signs of depression due to thoughts of the past. 

This is no way to live out your life. 

Here are some suggestions to help you move from the past towards the future. 

It is difficult to be specific with these suggestions because they often relate to the situation at hand. Regarding the grief example above, it may mean that you need to give yourself permission to move forward. This doesn’t mean you leave cherished memories behind, it simply means you are giving yourself permission to step into the present, so others can enjoy you more. It means being an active participant in life. 

Realize what staying in the past does to your physical health. We all know the bi-directional pattern between the gut and the brain. The more emotional strain we endure, the deeper the physical strain on our health. Emotional strain is an endocrine disruptor. For any woman suffering with premenstrual symptoms (PMS), we can see how hormone imbalance affects our ability to regulate emotions. Weight gain is another example of what emotional pain does to us. Hair loss, eczema, acne… I could go on and on. In other words, think of what your choice of living in the past is doing to your health today. Then ask yourself, “Is it really worth it?” 

Specific ways of focusing on present and future events include: 

Start planning future events – an upcoming birthday, a renovation, a career move, or new health routine – the goal is to focus on the future. 

Focus on the lessons you have learned, not where you failed. For example, regrets about how you parented your child should be instead viewed as how you are choosing to do things differently today. 

Set a specific time aside to ‘relive the past’ and be diligent about this. This is even more effective if you plan your ‘worry/sadness time’ at an awkward time and place. For instance, “I am going to worry or feel sad about this during 12:00 pm – 12:30 pm while I sit in the laundry room”. Chances are you have other things to do during this time, right? 

I hope this post helps you stay in the present. Your loved ones around you want and need you to be in the present. It is not fair for them to often experience you ‘half there’. They cherish you and want you to experience life to the fullest. 

Life is short and none of us know when our time is up. Make the best of it. 

Today seems like a good day to start. 

Free 15-minute consults with our health coaches at Body Love Café. Visit our website: www.bodylovecafe.com 

 


By Dr. Luella Jonk, PhD, IFMCP, RP, MPCC with Body Love Cafe